Like a toy

April 17th, 2008

A girl breaks up with her boyfriend and quickly finds comfort in the hands of another girl, she understands that only another woman can make her feel happy and she forgets about men…

I met her one year and six days ago. It was April, 11th…

It was warm outside. The sweet tender wind still had its chilly freshness. Just a quiet week day. All of it was making me feel lonely and dreamy. I was thinking of my broken dreams… Dreams about him. We broke up a week ago. He left for another girl and he told me into face how much he fell in love with her. He wasn’t even feeling guilty or responsible for my feelings. I know guys do so, its their nature. But every girl always hopes it won’t ever happen to her. I don’t know if I still loved him or not… at that point it didn’t matter anymore.

“Vicky!” I heard someone screaming and felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around. I saw a girl standing in front of me. I don’t remember my first impression on her may be cause I didn’t know the existence of love between the same sex. No, well, I knew there were people like that but I never met anyone like this and I never thought I would have to face it.

“I’m not Vicky.” I replied her.

“Sorry, from the back you look like a friend of mine… What’s your name?”

“Katie.”

“I’m Kerry.”

That’s how we met. We spend the whole evening together. She didn’t want to hang out with her friends and I didn’t have any friends.

I told her everything… everything that bothered me. I told her how pain was killing me. She listened. It was exactly what I needed and was looking for the whole week. I simply needed to talk it all out. From talking to Kerry I felt much better and she even made me laugh.

The next day she called me and met up again. We went for a walk and talked about all sorts of things. I started feeling happy around her.

Life goes on and I started getting over him. And I knew that after something bad there is always something good waiting for me.

Time doesn’t sleep and it started getting dark and cold.

“You want to get some coffee?” – Kerry asked me when she saw I was warming up my hands with my breath.

“It’s late, I gotta get going home.” – I told her.

“It won’t take so long, C’mon its just upstairs of this building, I leave here. Let’s go.”

“Okay. Why not.”

She lived on the 7th floor. She lived on her own. When we got inside she went straight to the kitchen and started making coffee.

“I don’t feel like coffee. I would go for tea actually.”

“Okay, I’ll make you tea. What, Are you afraid of being up all night?”

“No, I’m not.”

And we sat down and had a cigarette.

“Kerry, I really need to get going. I won’t be able to get home so late. I gotta catch the train.”

I put out a cigarette.

“But you can stay over at my house, you don’t need to go this late unless you need to be home or as if someone’s waiting for you. C’mon, stay! Tomorrow is Saturday and you don’t have to go to work. Get some sleep and go tomorrow.”

“No, I don’t want to bother you.”

“You won’t! Come on, relax.”

She looked me in the eyes and said in a very sad tone of voice:

“I just don’t wanna be alone. Please, don’t leave me.”

I decided to stay. We sat in the kitchen and talked about life, love… I felt so calm and comfy around her like never before. She was so fun and easy going. I could tell her any secret, absolutely anything. I started trusting her. We would probably talk till the dun but we were tired and decided to go to sleep.

“We have to share the bed, there’s only one. But if you want take the couch. Though, really its very uncomfortable.”

She stood there for a few seconds looking at me until I said that I would love to go to bed with her. She stepped towards me and put her hand on my neck. She pulled me towards herself holding my waist. I felt her soft, hot, tender lips. Some hot wave went through my head to my toes.

My body didn’t want to listen to me. It was so weird and so nice at the same time. I never felt anyone being so tender, the way she touched me was something like heaven. I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. All what I was saying no to was happening that exact moment.

I let her subdue me. I wasn’t able to resist. That was unforgettable night. It felt so good and I didn’t plan to change anything.

I fell in love with a girl! I questioned myself a lot “How could this be?” But had no answer… I think I didn’t need one.

We started spending so much time together. Everyday. I was happy. Anything with Kerry was making me happy.

But time went so fast I didn’t notice it had been a month.

I don’t know why but she became cold. She became so different. She wasn’t as sweet, tender and she didn’t desire me. For some time I became so happy but my dreams of finding my one and only broke. Once again. Each word towards me made me hurt. It was getting worse and more painful for me each time we met. In the end she said “I think we need a break.” To me that “break” word sounded like more of a break-up.

I couldn’t keep her mine anymore. She was gone. There was no point to hold her anymore. We broke up.

It was so depressing I thought I would never be happy. I didn’t want anyone. No girls, surely no guys. I lost my desire for love… Until I met Sarah.

This time I was the initiator. I wanted to give my whole love and all that lacked from Kerry. I gave her what she wanted. We spend so much time loving each other. She was pretty and so kind. It seemed like I got back to life with colors.

But it didn’t last long. In a few weeks I got irritated by her. That kindness that I liked started irritating me.

She felt it, I could tell. I felt so guilty and sorry for her but I couldn’t keep up with our relationship any longer. I told her I wanted to break up and she had no choice. I saw that misunderstanding and pain in her eyes. I remembered those feelings.

It is always difficult to break up but afterwards I felt so free, so comfortable and independent. May be I became a bitch, but I liked it.

Then I met Jessica. We were together for two weeks. It was the same story. Break up. And again I felt free, satisfied and like a winner.

It was getting bigger and worse each time. Christina, Mariko… And love was ending really fast.

It was like toys. I didn’t want the lolly-pop, then a teddy-bear, then a doll, then a computer game. I remembered Kerry. When she found all the keys and codes she lost her interest for me.

I must admit I became like her. It is painful to know that she won me and than got going to the next level.
Now my life is a game. And I feel happy and have no desire to go back. I live for myself, only for my own pleasure. May be that’s why I need new toys all the time. Or may be I am just killing my thoughts about Kerry? May be. She is the biggest happiness and the biggest misery of my life… may be now this way I’m getting closer to her.

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2 Responses to “Like a toy”

  1. mikel Says:

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  2. shatyam Says:

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